On Friday night’s “Real Time” comedian Bill Maher mocked the first lady who is featured on the cover of Us Weekly. Maher created his own list of things you hadn’t known about President Donald Trump’s wife.
The first lady is actually appearing on the magazine’s front cover this coming week, so the “Real Time” host thought it was the perfect time to create the spoof article.
Maher unleashed some amusing one-liners ― including FLOTUS purportedly claiming that she had “no first language,” that she had “copied this list from Michelle Obama” and that she “once caught [Vice President] Mike Pence trying on my stilettos.”
Maher’s list was met with cheers, jeers and laughter from his audience. Here is Maher’s entire made-up list for the FLOTUS:
1. In Slovenia, I was a catalog model, which is what you call a model you order out of the catalog.
2. I’m the only First Lady to ever wear sunglasses to a hurricane.
3. I can crush walnuts with my cheekbones.
4. I have no first language.
5. I spent two years in a vault at Deutsche Bank when Donald defaulted on a loan.
6. In order to speed things up, I let him call me Ivanka.
7. I hope I inspire little girls everywhere to marry for money.4
8. As a model, I threw up after meals. Now I just throw up after sex.
9. The first thing that attracted me to Donald was the bulge in his pants. His wallet.
10. I once played Scrabble against Eric and the final score was 3 to 2.
11. Every time I look at my husband I’m reminded of the Slovenian national dish, a fat greasy sausage filled with cheese.
12. Every year I send a thank-you note to the family of the man who invented golf.
13. The biggest thing I miss about New York is being hundreds of miles away from my husband.
14. I once caught Mike Pence trying on my stilettos.
15. I feel I share a bond with the thousands of American women who have also slapped Donald’s hand away.
16. I don’t mind visiting poor people, but poor and wet people is a bit much.
17. My Secret Service code name is “That Poor, Poor Woman.”
18. I copied this list from Michelle Obama.
19. Growing up in Slovenia, I had a pet cat named “Delicious.”
20. I’ve always been attracted to rich, powerful, older men who eat Kentucky Fried Chicken that might bring on an early death.
21. Sometimes when I bounce light off my diamond, Donald’s hair will chase it like a cat.
22. Closing your eyes and picturing Ryan Gosling works better than you’d think.
23. I wish I knew why I was having a recurring dream I’m pinned beneath a giant orange sack of s—.
24. Economically, I Hope Every Last Person can Make Enough money.
25. If I could tell my younger self just one thing it would be this: if you catch a leprechaun and he gives you a wish, be more specific.
Check it out in the clip below:
No response from @realDonaldTrump — yet.